Less sofa-paralysis, and more Lotto result predictions please, Derren Brown

Why? How?

I do NOT understand how I've not won the EuroMillions draw yet. I bought three lines last night. And not one number. Tell me, universe, how is this fair?

I will buy tickets for this evening's bog standard UK Lotto, with the piffling £10m or so prize (I didn't mean that, Lotto karma, I'd be grateful for a couple of grand or so. Thanks), but the most I've ever won is a tenner.

I have sooooooo many good ideas for that cash. Why does the lottery sometimes go to horrible examples of human beings like the bloke in Burberry who'd been in prison and spent the cash on stupid souped up sports cars? I've never been in prison. Never even had detention at school. Ergo, I am more deserving.

I like to think about what I'd do if I did win. I've discussed this many times, often with the Grumpy Scot, and the first thing is, book a MASSIVE, obscene holiday for all your friends. That's a given. Perhaps just rent out a big beach house in Antigua for a month and drink cocktails in the sun and have a laugh wondering what on earth you'll do with the rest of the cash.

Then after all the usual stuff everyone says about sorting out your family and friends, and giving some to charity, comes the interesting bit. I'd firstly learn to drive, in an Aston Martin, naturally.

Then I'd buy myself a country pile to house my next purchases; horses. I'd get a highly-strung chestnut Arab, a statuesque grey Andalucian and a selection of others. And a donkey called Craig to keep them company. If it was the utterly obscene EuroMillions win, like the £89m the lucky French bugger won last night, I'd commission an old treasure hunter to go and find me a unicorn because they MUST exist somewhere, and if I'm rich, I deserve one.

Since I like wine and tea, I'd start my own tea plantation in a few of the manor house's acres; and sort out a personal vineyard. I'd do endless courses on things I love and travel a lot.

Oh and perhaps buy some excellent Louboutins. A lot of them.

Endless ideas, and obviously as well as all the indulgent, materialistic stuff, I'd do lots of good work for other people.

Right, I'd better get ready for the Coldplay and Jay-Z gig at Wembley Stadium this evening, and pack my stuff for the Edinburgh work trip tomorrow.

And buy some Lotto tickets. Wish me luck, world. Hopefully I'll win and my next post will be on a Macbook Pro from some far-flung corner of the globe.