I've been thinking about this online dating malarkey recently after a few funny encounters. Or non-encounters, as it more accurately were. And I thought I'd share my thoughts with you. Lucky, huh? Don't act like you're not interested.
It seemed quite straightforward at first - get chatting to people you like the look of, exchange a few pleasantries (not a euphemism), arrange a date, go on said date, assess if you want to see them again. But lately I can't help thinking that I'm missing out on some unspoken games that you're supposed to engage in to do this with any degree of success. And I'm shit at games. Except Scrabble. And Shithead.
These games aren't fourth-date-politics-do-I-call-or-not, these are
before the first date games. So many times you add someone saying you like the look of them, they add you back, the usual. Not recently. It seems that simply arranging ONE drink to spend half an hour in each other's company to judge that they're not batshit mental/rapists/Mummy's boys is a minefield of headfucks and second-guessing. Cases in point:
Theatre Man. He looked interesting - arty, Irish, tall, approached me first - we exchanged very brief emails as his first one was basically asking me out for a drink. Brilliant, no dicking around - you can exchange all the pithy, wry emails you like, but if they've got no social skills or smell of wet dog, it's never going to work. He suggested central London, I said great, when and where? And...... nothing.
The Chef. Added each other, up and coming Scottish chef, looked fascinating - again, emails, drink suggested - then the classic message, "Sorry but I'm chatting to someone else on here and want to see where that goes." That's all well and good, but it's not totally MENTAL to go on a couple of first dates around the same time because the likelihood is you're not each other's ONE - so back to the drawing board.
If we were having drawn-out, getting-to-know-each-other chats, it's totally understandable that I could have said something spazzy and offputting - actually, inevitable. But that just can't have been the case here. Unless there's some male radar I'm not aware of that reads "Yeah the City would be great, when are you free?" as "I'm a fucking psychopath and I will ingratiate myselves into your friendship group, kill your pets horribly and tell your work colleagues the intimate details of our sex life." Perhaps it's a numbers game; guys message tons of girls knowing only a small percentage will reply. Again, fine, but I DID reply and was up for one little drink to check each other out.
Maybe it's some weird guy thing where the minute you express a bit of interest back, you're not desirable any more. Thrill of the chase and all that. BUT YOU'RE ON A FUCKING DATING SITE.
So why is this first drink such a big deal? I always go armed with a friend's text message prewritten, ready to hit send if you need an escape route. "Oh I'm SO sorry, but I need to go as my cat's on fire." Actually, that could be taken the wrong way. "My friend's having a clothing crisis/ my hamster's depressed/ I need to go and see my therapist." Whatever. Or, if the first drink is a disaster and you find yourself in the company of an absolute fuckwit, just neck that one drink really quickly. In fact this is kinder, if they see you scull your pint, sorry, glass of wine (I am trying to be ladylike after all), they probably see you as a raging alky and thank their lucky stars that you are fucking off so quickly. Everyone's a winner with this method.
So it's more baffling than anything. I feel much like I imagine the girls from The Only Way is Essex feel when they have to blink, breathe and walk at the same time. Maybe it's me. Perhaps there is a huge game where I've not had the rules explained to me. It's my birthday next week. I best get the order for the cats, blanket and lifetime supply of gin in, quicksharpish.
