Some commuter etiquette recommendations

I spend a lot of my time on public transport in London. Mainly buses. Now I know that I could save myself hassle and money, save the planet, get fitter blah blah by cycling, but I'm a menace to myself and others. It would take one momentary distraction of "Oh look, a bee!" and I'd cycle straight under the wheels of the 26 bus.

I avoid the Tube where possible as being on an oven-temperature B.O.-reeking underground train isn't my favourite thing in the world. I also don't really enjoy being full-frontally pressed against strangers at 8am. Or anytime really.

So, buses. A magnet for stupid people, it seems. So, to make everyone's lives easier, here's a few little tips to make everyone's journeys a bit more comfortable.

Brush your teeth before getting on the morning commuter bus. You're going to be in close proximity to other people, it's only polite. Imagine every morning journey is like a date, yeah?

Stop carrying massive fuck-off rucksacks/suitcases/boxes/suspicious parcels on the rush-hour buses. Get a chuffing cab if you have loads of luggage.

People with massive buggies who get on for ONE stop and force a whole bus load of people to move or get off. You can just fuck right off. WALK you lazy people.

Don't have loud, inappropriate conversations on your mobile phone whilst your mouth is roughly four centimetres from my head, because despite my earphones I can still hear you and I may well assault you.

If you're sitting next to me, don't sit ON me.

Don't use the fact we're standing in cattle-truck conditions to 'accidentally' touch me. One more hand brush anywhere remotely sexy and I will scream sexual harrassment. And swiftly knee you in the balls.

If you're a highly attractive man please don't stand right next to me, face-to-face as I will die of not knowing where to look or what to do.

Stop showing off if you think you're funny and you're having a comedy conversation with your friends. Listen, you braying idiot, you're not funny, you're a twat. Shut up.

School kids - just go away.

Right, that should make everyone's lives easier. I for one am a model bus passenger and would never barge you out of the way to scramble on the bus, never have very very loud music blasting out of my headphones and never scowl at other passengers when I am hungover and a bit fucking irritable. *beams*

"It's the weekend!!!!!!!! LOL x"

I've been quiet again on the blog front. Turns out having a busy job and getting drunk with your friends take up more time than you'd think.

I'm compelled to write to address some irksome social media issues. Now, for most people, these things probably don't matter. If you're one of those people and you're reading this, you're probably going to think 'get a life, who even cares?' in about 100 words time. This might piss you off.

So, I like social media, right? I'm pretty passionate about it. (That sounds better than 'geek'.) I think it's an amazing tool that allows us all to be connected, if we want to be. I know what my friends abroad are doing day to day, I can see their photos, I can read interesting blogs about my industry and I see the power of the ordinary person's voice on Twitter. I think that's quite cool. I work in communications so for me, it works both on a personal and professional level.

Lately though, I've been getting a wee bit irritated by some of the things I see on Facebook and Twitter. Maybe it's because I'm what you might call a 'frequent user', or because I am interested in the sector, I have more of an interest/understanding in style and etiquette than someone who just uses these things to organise football practice or stalk their crush.

Maybe it's because I'm a social media snob. I'm not saying that my Facebook or Twitter feeds aren't annoying to some people. They certainly are. I bang on about music, tea, the fucking London bus service, how much I love Guy Garvey, and I also have a lot of essentially nonsensical, bollocks conversations with my funny friends.

Saying that though, these are some things that I just don't understand - and I know it's not just me they bug because I've had conversations with mates recently about the very same things.

1) Using a MILLION exclamation marks on tweets or Facebook statuses. Why? No really, WHY? It's always attached to the most mundane of statements too. "I've finished work!!!!!" Or my personal favourite, "It's the weekend!!!!!" I am glad you wrote that on your Facebook wall, otherwise I would not have KNOWN. Also if you'd written it with only one, or maybe no exclamation marks, I might not have FULLY UNDERSTOOD. Perhaps this a wider English language thing I have, but either way, it translates really fucking badly on social media. I know the Grumpy Scot and The Director are with me on this one. It's like if you have to say 'I'm mad, me!', I can guarantee the most you can hope for is that you're 'mad' in a needing-medication way, not a 'carefree, spontaneous, risky' way.

2) Facebook photos. Right, this is a contentious issue. Most people chose a nice shot their mates have taken of them. Or a nice, not-too-twatty self portrait. Or something totally not of them at all. There a couple of other types of shot that grate a wee bit. Firstly, matching coupley profile pictures. I know, I know, I come across as a bitter spinster. It's not that people in relationships annoy me, I just don't understand why people feel the need to up the smug 'look at me with a LOVER!' stakes. It smacks of showing off if you match this with your partner's photo. What you're trying to say is 'look how sexually desirable and generally awesome I am, I'm an Other Half!' What you're actually saying is 'we didn't have sex on this holiday and I'm really unhappy but I think I'll stick with it because we have a lovely house and I won't give up custody of the dog.'

Secondly, perhaps it's just because myself and a lot of mates are at that age where people are staring to settle down - but KID profile pictures. Now I know, it MUST be amazing having children. I've heard all about it, from friends and sisters. When I see my niece and nephews there is something so profound about the trust they have in you, and how lovely it is having hot little bodies snuggled up on you on the sofa while dozing. It does transcend everything else. However - just because you've had a child, you're still my mate, you still have your own personality, you don't just become MUM.

In fact some people I know who aren't close friends may as well have 'I can't use birth control properly, LOLZ!' on their Facebook statuses.

3) Adding a kiss to the end of every generic status update/ tweet. 'I'm eating toast x' Am I missing something? Yes I write kisses on messages to specific people, but I don't get it on general statuses. It reeks of a kind of arrogance, like all your followers would be so grateful for your love. You're not Jesus, yeah? It just looks a bit weird, like you're bestowing something on people. You're not. It just looks a bit affected.

4) I'm not proclaiming to be the most exciting, entertaining person ever. My favourite recent TV programme was with Martin Clunes rambling on about horses, for goodness' sake. However. I do try a little bit to be slightly amusing. Someone I had as a friend on Facebook just used to basically list their household chores. Part of the point of social media I guess is making the mundane prominent if people want to. But you don't want to make your friends want to send you a hobby leaflet, or ask your family if 'you're ok, as you don't seem to get out much.' I know The Blonde is with me on this.

Some of you might think this comes off as snobbery or communication superiority. It's not, it's just observations that become apparent when I spend a fair bit of time using social media for work and for pleasure. Right, I'm off to get a real life. Either that, or tweet about what I'm having for my tea.