Dear Twitter...

 This blog post comes from a conversation with a fellow Twitter user @CyrilCacoethes, who's quite amusing if you like mostly rude inanity. I requested he expand on a story he told me about a deer that spat IN his mouth, and he did me a special blog post and everything. I was then pondering my next post, and he suggested a Twitter complaint letter.

I love a good complain. So here it is.


Dear Twitter,

Hi. You're mostly pretty fun and amusing, and even educational from time to time. (How else would I know what Jedward are doing when they give their carers the slip and gain internet access? IT'S IMPORTANT.) However, there are a few things, just little things, that frankly, get right on my tits.


 Celebs being shit at Twitter. I know they all get told by their agents to get involved in social media (or, as I was once corrected by a date, "a real-time information network" - fuck off), but just because they *do* it, doesn't make them good at it. I get driven potty by celebs who retweet their OWN #FollowFridays - to their EXISTING followers. In order to see that tweet, they already follow you! It's more pointless than Fearne Cotton, you flangewombles.

Overuse of exclamation marks. I've said this before in relation to general communication. But please, for the love of GOD, stop it. Adding seventeen exclamations to a statement like "Going shopping!!!!!!!!" doesn't make it more interesting or informative. It just makes you appear to have the mentality of an American seven year-old.

Pedants. Now I'm not against pedantry persay. Detail is important. But don't criticise someone's use of language, if you type tweets in text speak. Because it just makes you look like a twat, not me. I don't really understand having a go at someone on Twitter because you don't like what they write. Just unfollow. Or, if you are compelled to have a pop, make sure your own ramblings are immaculately spelled and all language is correctly used. Then fair enough.

Moral highground bandwagons. Twitter is highly entertaining on big news days, as everyone wades in with an opinion, mostly from people who don't actually understand the issues or stories. However, the same faux outrage and topical 'jokes' can get a bit wearing.

Anyway, that's it. If you could find a way to remove boring and stupid people from the service, that would be splendid. For the most part, I like conversing with entertaining people, watching celeb feuds kick off, the incessant punning and the endless videos of kittens riding tortoises.

Ok, thanks. Bye.