Some commuter etiquette recommendations

I spend a lot of my time on public transport in London. Mainly buses. Now I know that I could save myself hassle and money, save the planet, get fitter blah blah by cycling, but I'm a menace to myself and others. It would take one momentary distraction of "Oh look, a bee!" and I'd cycle straight under the wheels of the 26 bus.

I avoid the Tube where possible as being on an oven-temperature B.O.-reeking underground train isn't my favourite thing in the world. I also don't really enjoy being full-frontally pressed against strangers at 8am. Or anytime really.

So, buses. A magnet for stupid people, it seems. So, to make everyone's lives easier, here's a few little tips to make everyone's journeys a bit more comfortable.

Brush your teeth before getting on the morning commuter bus. You're going to be in close proximity to other people, it's only polite. Imagine every morning journey is like a date, yeah?

Stop carrying massive fuck-off rucksacks/suitcases/boxes/suspicious parcels on the rush-hour buses. Get a chuffing cab if you have loads of luggage.

People with massive buggies who get on for ONE stop and force a whole bus load of people to move or get off. You can just fuck right off. WALK you lazy people.

Don't have loud, inappropriate conversations on your mobile phone whilst your mouth is roughly four centimetres from my head, because despite my earphones I can still hear you and I may well assault you.

If you're sitting next to me, don't sit ON me.

Don't use the fact we're standing in cattle-truck conditions to 'accidentally' touch me. One more hand brush anywhere remotely sexy and I will scream sexual harrassment. And swiftly knee you in the balls.

If you're a highly attractive man please don't stand right next to me, face-to-face as I will die of not knowing where to look or what to do.

Stop showing off if you think you're funny and you're having a comedy conversation with your friends. Listen, you braying idiot, you're not funny, you're a twat. Shut up.

School kids - just go away.

Right, that should make everyone's lives easier. I for one am a model bus passenger and would never barge you out of the way to scramble on the bus, never have very very loud music blasting out of my headphones and never scowl at other passengers when I am hungover and a bit fucking irritable. *beams*